Submitted by : ImranAli786 on Strugle

From the last time I visited Grandma at Manchester Royal Infirmary, I left that place overhwelmed with guilt and shame... and I prayed that I would get a chance to redeem myself. I got my chance today when myself, my father and my auntie took a drive down to see Grandma again.

She had changed wards in the hospital, and as we entered it, it was notably brighter, more vibrant with hospital 'whiteness'. I've noticed by taking Literature and analysing novels, plays and poem after poem... that details suggest things. I took the brightness as a connotation of optimism, and thought positively about this visit. We found Grandma's bed, and she greeted us with a smile. Even from a distance, I could see she looked much better; her face was much less pale than it was a week ago, and her movement didn't seem so strained. I got 3 chairs for us all to sit beside her bed, as I took my seat next to her dialysis machine. I could see her blood being pumped into the machine, and I assumed that the removal of the toxins in her blood was what made her feel much better. Then, for about an hour, it was like deja vu; I sat in the midst of the conversations between my Grandma, father and auntie, and gave the occassional nod and smile when Grandma looked at me, and the shy lowering of my head when she spoke to me. I still could not respond to her as I do not know Bengai, and so I still felt guilty.

Time passed, and I decided I would take a stroll to the ward desk to ask about Grandma's progression. I approached the nurse at the desk, and asked her my question. I had assumed that everything was alright as it was evident on Grandma's face, and that she was slowly recovering, but I was given a reply that was very much different. She justified my point that Grandma did look better with the help of dialysis, but then went on to discuss the details of her biopsy. I was left oblivious to the rest of the conversation, only taking note of some words. '...... found a lump...... been there for a few years by the look of it...... aggressive...... isn't strong enough for treatment...' She concluded by saying that the final results aren't due until Thursday, but she was convinced, as was I, that it was one scenario...... cancer.

You know that feeling you get, when you're heart skips a beat and you feel a cold absence in your chest, and something in your throat... I had exactly that... but the incapability to cry.

I went back to the bed; I was told not to mention anything to Grandma as she hasn't been informed of it yet, and it would scare her terribly. I tried to compose myself as normally as possible, and took my seat once more. I couldn't look her in the eye, in fear that she would make accusations as to my expression... and so I took this opportunity, to redeem myself of my ignorance. I had written something, a letter you could say, the day after I visited Grandma last week. I wanted to tell it to Grandma, and so told my Auntie to let her know. She told Grandma that I had prepared something for her, and herself and my father left the ward for me to talk with Grandma alone.

I unfolded the piece of paper, revealing my speech and the Bengali transliteration my Auntie wrote beside it so that I could say it to my Grandma, and this was what I wrote and said to her...

 

Assalamu Alaykum Bibi,

(Peace Be With You, Grandma,)

Ami FuFu ray khoysee tura Bangali hi kayta.

(I have asked my Auntie to translate this for me, so I can talk to you and hopefully you may understand me.)

Tumar maf sigh Bibi, Bangali mattam sini na.

(I ask for your forgiveness Grandma, for my ignorance of not knowing Bengali.)

Itaa amar dush, ami Bangali hiksi na.

(Its all my fault and I have not made any effort to learn Bengali.)

Agay ayslam tu maray dekhbar lagi mattam farsi na.

(The last time I came to see you, I felt so guilty.)

Tumi beshi bemar aslay, tebo amar logay dong khurslay. Ar ami farsi na.

(You were so weak yet you still managed to give me a smile, and I couldn't even talk to you.)

Ee shumoy baday, amar mon kharaf laksay. Ami mattam farsi na.

(Ever since, I have felt ashamed. I hope you can forgive me.)

Onay ami lekya hiksi tumar logay matbar lagi.

(Due to my guilt, I've made this, so I can talk to you and you may hopefully understand me.)

Ami promise khori ami Bangali hikmu.

(I promise that I will do everything I possibly can to learn Bengali.)

Ami sayr Bangali hiktam so tumar logay mattam arashtam.

(I want to learn the language you speak so I can make you smile and laugh.)

Ami Bangali hikmu, ar tumaray shopta khoytam farmu, ami sayr tumaray kushi maraytam.

(I will learn Bengali, so I can tell you of all the things I do and hope to do, so that you will be proud of me.)

Ami bustam sayr so tumi amaray kicha khoytay and Bangladesho shopta hikayta.

(I will learn so that you can tell me stories, teach me valuable lessons and share your wisdom with me.)

Amar Bangali hikalagbo amar bo luga mata lagbo, zay bo amar lagi fosond khorsor.

(I need Bengali anyway; how else will I be able to talk to my wife that you're supposedly going to get me married to? :) )

Er agay ami khali okhota khoytam farmu.

(But before then, I only have this that I wrote.)

Ami sayr tumi zantay ami tumaray shoptunay beshi maya khuri, Allay amaray bala family dissoyn.

(I just want you to know that I love you very much, and God has truly blessed me into a wonderful family and made me your grandson.)

Ekhtin zayna ami afna lagi Dua khuri.

(There's not a day that goes by that I don't pray for you.)

Ami Dua khorram tumi bala oyzo.

(I pray that you will be blessed with good health once again.)

Ami sayr ar Dua khuri tumaray khali khusi ar bala rakhta.

(I pray that God gives you many many more years in this life, full of happiness and joy.)

Insha Allah, ami sayr amar furut tayn ekhtin tumaray lagi fagul oyba.

(After all, if God wills, I want my children one day to beg me to come and see you.)

Insha Allah Bibi, tumi bala oybay soon ar ami Bangali soon hikilimu.

(If God wills Grandma, you will be better soon, and I hope to have learnt Bengali sooner than that.)

Tumi amar Duat takhbay shobbar, ami sayr tumar Duat takhtam... dunyar mazay tumi oylay beshi bala Bibi.

(You will always be in my prayers, as I hope to be in your's... and there's nothing that reminds me more of God's mercy than to have a Grandma like you.)

My voice finally ceased just before it broke into a cry, the whole time I hoped that my pronunciation was clear enough for her to understand me. I folded the letter once more, and looked up through teary eyes to see tears streaming down my Grandma's face. She stared down to her bed, motienless, then up to me with a shaking smile. She spoke Bengali to me in a shaky vioce, then opened her arms to me. I hugged her as she kissed my forehead...

.......................................................................................................

The last time I posted an account of my visit, you might have thought, "Okay... why you telling me this?", and you might be thinking the same thing. But, just like last time, I do have a message to convey to you all. I have learned from the doctor's assumptions that the potentially-cancerous lump my Grandma has, has been there for years by the looks of  it, becoming more aggressive; due to my Grandma's weak condition, left more vulnerable from other diseases, she wouldn't be strong enough to undergo treatment. If this is true, then my conscience has not failed me in my thoughts... my Grandma doesn't have much longer.

I spoke last time of things I wanted everyone to act upon, and ended with emphasis on appreciation. I have taken enough of your time (if you have actually read all of this), and so this time, I will leave you with just one request:

Love - Our time in this life is far from eternal, and our materealistic obessions and possessions will not join us in our journey to the next life. This life is precious, as is love itself. Don't be selfish, spread love by any means necessary. Smile to every person you pass, whether they look at your or not. Try to make your friends laugh everytime you're with them, so they know you care about alleviating their troubles. Hug your parents every single chance you get, so they know that you appreciate what they have sacrificed for you. Do anything and everything you can to promote love; people from around the world contemplate on what could spark world peace, and they will often overlook the simplest solution. If you won't do it for yourself or anyone else, do it for your friend Imran. I probably don't have much time left with my Grandma in this life, and all I can do is make up for every opportunity missed. I can only pray to ar-Rahman (The Compassionate) ar-Rahim (The Merciful) that he gives me as much time as possible.

My Politics teacher once said, "You don't spell Love 'L.O.V.E', rather you spell it 'T.I.M.E'."


Give time, give love, both will accompany you beyond the end.